Go Karting - "I thought you had to have a woman in the team"

Today was the day of reckoning, the day when we would be pitted against Sodexho and Bovis Land Lease via the medium of low grade go karts. First up was a trip to Varsity as Tracy was leaving. Catherine tried to defend her snub of Simon the night before.
Apparently she had left him on a table on his own in Varsity to go and drink with the Bovis crew, she claimed she didn't even see him. It must have been full of big rugby playing men with heavy stubble.
Paddy wasn't amused by the snub however.
Brian and Craig joined us for lunch, although Brian didn't eat anything after the Varsity duck wrap incident of 2006 which culminated in him celebrating Christmas with rolls of toilet paper and lots of regrets. The duck was laughing in its grave. Craig seems more interested in his phone than the banter.
Gary took it all in his stride though, he smoked his cigarette and ate a tuna baguette, which he claimed wasn't his at first, but quickly backtracked, it didn't worry him, he was a model of calm dignity.
I decided to duck round to Simon's girlfriend's house to get changed, and get a lift to the go kart track. Simon decided it would only take 20 minutes to get there so we could indulge ourselves with Neighbours. This is Carmella. I prefer Steph.
On the way, Lucy pointed out that Simon's liberal '20 minutes' guess was rubbish and that we were going to be late.
Simon dismissed it quickly and blamed it on the traffic lights 'They are all on red, we have just been unlucky"
I was more interested in the woman who was driving with crossed arms like some kind of maniac. If shes the opposition in Go-Karting I have no worries, has she never heard of quarter to three?
We managed to get there just in time despite some expert* navigation from me. Paddy and Alex greeted us with open arms. *disasterous
Catriona didn't look so pleased. I think she nearly hurt herself in a karting accident before so was probably worried about my welfare. She wasn't racing.
I was told I had to wear a hairnet. I explained I wasn't Ena Sharples, but she just said 'Health and Safety' That old chestnut.
Two guys showed us how to race round the track, apparently the answer is at breakneck speed with a corinthian distaste for survival instinct.
I think these two had the most nervous grins my non racing eyes have ever witnessed.
Alex wasn't nervous though, he had super confidence because his head is aerodynamic.He turned out to be very very good at go-karting.
Under starters orders.
GO! GO! GO!
I asked Catriona to take a picture of someone crossing the line, this is what she produced.
My turn came around and it turned out I was the most terrible racer anyone has ever seen. I was the sole cause of us being 6 laps behind second last, out of 14 teams. My team looked on in horror.
This Nazi told me that I needed to calm down after i rightly gesticulated after nearly having my head knocked off my shoulders by a reckless driver.
And here is this Nazi flagging someone for having fun/nearly causing serious accidents.
I would have liked to see him telling me to calm down if I was in this car, I would have just ran him over and then laughed at his misfortune.
As it happened, I was only allowed a go-kart like every other peasant and we came last. The other team from our office came second last. They were giving awards out. Everyone got excitable because they thought I would win an award for being the most terrible driver. I lost our team 16 laps through conservative driving, a survival instinct and a lack of fire in my belly. Here is Catherine waiting to rain mockery down on me as the announcer was going to give the wooden spoon out.
Ha Ha! Dont count your chickens blondie! Lisa won that award. She got pink furry dice for being terrible when she was actually fairly good, making up at least 3 laps that I cost the team.
I could tell in Patrick's eyes that he was disappointed in me.
I won some respect back though. When the winners came on the podium I blurted out loudly "I thought every team had to have a girl" without realising one member was actually a rather masculine featured girl. I felt terrible but everyone else thought it hilarious. I also found the reason i was terrible. I didnt actually know my way round the track.
On the way out Simon asked if I had fun. I commented that I would rather have a venereal disease for two hours than go there again. Lucy said that was a terrible thing to say but sometimes the truth hurts. Alex gave me a lift home and worryingly commented it was hard not to drive his car like a kart. I told him to try his best. I got home safe in the knowledge that I will never drive like a human.

Tale of Two Nights - Part 1 Richards Leaving do

Richard had decided after 4 years in the office it was high time he moved on. We not only bought him a present but we also threw him a party. This is because we are nice people and have borderline alcohol problems. People were getting very excitable, especially Simon and Paddy. Here they are excitedly gossiping about Varsity.
Alex looked a little less excited but at least he was coming. He even chose to leave the car at home and come to work on the 43, welcome to my world sunshine.
Just as we were about to go, Catriona decided we had to go and move some beds from one place to another and I nearly cried, they were heavy and I am weak. I have office arms.
After we all got back from our manual labour we smelt like dreams. So I made a quick trip to the bathroom to freshen up and sort my life out.
Off we went to Varsity, I will save my outfit for later. Alex is a Varsity veteran and instead of getting excitable like everyone else he took it all in his stride.
Simon got a jug in, thats because he is crazy and mad and supports binge drinking. Maybe he was trying to get me drunk so he could try and seduce me.
I demonstrated some first class pint pouring skills. Cocktail star Tom Cruise never had to pour beer from a heavy 4 pint jug with office arms after carrying beds around all day. This was my effort.
People chatted, it was utter carnage!
Suddenly a whisper got around that there was a look-a-like in the paper, you could cut the tension with a knife.This guy looks like our stores man Mark. Much merriment was had.

Liam came for a bit of banter. I like Liam, he knows a lot about bands I haven't heard of and he makes me feel alternative. He was also sporting a half Morrissey, half Elvis quiff. Here is some Simon/Liam band talk going down in the Varsity hood.
Brian also came for a bit of fun. Alex told Brian and I how his phone could make pictures of peoples faces look funny. It can distort them and make them look like they do in circus mirrors. We couldn't get it to work at first...
but then...
We took a picture of Mark and made his face look silly at the push of a button. In all the excitement of writing about this event, I realised I haven't even mentioned the star of the show, Richard Miller. Here he is pulling his tongue out at me, cheeky.
He was talking to a girl who seemed nice enough most of the night. They chatted mostly about my hair. The union was cut short as Mark scampered over to start his own banter with mystery girl while Richard went to the toilet. But when he returned Richard wasn't having any of it.
He ejected Mark from his seat and once he got back to the group to show us how happy he was, he spilt a drink all over Jenny's thigh.
Jenny didn't seem too happy at the closeness of Richards hand and her thigh and cleaned it herself. I decided to talk to Catherine and Paddy for a bit. Catherine was wearing a very pretty necklace.
Ill have that thankyou very much!
She kindly lent me that all weekend! Brian got a bit cosy with Jill. The Irish scamp!
We decided to move on after that, but the rest is too x rated to show on this blog, there were conversations about chat up techniques, the etiquette of sitting down in the middle of a bar and all kinds of bus related hi jinx which just cant be told without an 18 certificate. Stay tuned for part 2, Saturday night! to be published tomorrow!

GUEST BLOGGER - We did something amazing

Ive invited Paddy to be guest blogger today, you may remember him from such blogs as...http://mobilecarnage.blogspot.com/2007/03/varsity-blues.html. He made a joke about his comic style and me being a dandy which is too bad to include. Over to Paddy.
Having recruited Catherine, Cartiona and DC, we set off on our big adventure to give blood, a bit like the famous five, only without the dog. They dont need dog blood. Its like a scene from Reservoir Dogs, Mr Pink, Mrs Blonde and Mrs White (Wasnt she from cluedo? - Ed)
The others pretend they are helping people but I know its a devilish scam. I get handsomely paid with biscuits for a mere pint of blood - easy pickings for a chancer like me. Heres my access all areas pass to the biscuit tin.
To the sexual health clinic...oops not this time, my blood is pure and righteous.
DC is getting worried now, hes a rookie and doesnt know whats in store for him - obviously as a regular donor with a bit of previous, i get first go at the hob-nobs. There is no turning back now though, GO 'A' SQUADRON.
I get subjected to the usual questions. Hepititis? No HIV? No, been given money for sex - I should be so lucky, not so much as a thankyou or a round of applause. Hang on! Whats this? A daring raid on the sandwich fridge before he has ever donated! Offside! This man is good, very good.
The biscuits...ohhh sweet treats. Wha!? Is this some kind of joke!? Digestives? I dont give blood for digestives, chocolate covered? yes, hob nobs? yes, custard creams? bare minimum. Im not a mercenary but this takes the biscuit (wow - ed)
Be big and brave DC
The fall out of the test prick. Plasters all round. Interestingly DC thought that this was him giving blood.
It turns out I dont have blue blood at all, i have commoners blood, the most common type, unlike Catherine who is AB negative. Mine is shared by 38% of the population but can be given to 84% - versatile blood. Time to familiarise myself with the environment. Here is my contingency plan, hit the fire alarm, and if that fails, get a plaster.
This bed will be my home for the next 30 minutes. Im not sure what im being thanked for yet? eating their biscuits? Its my pleasure.
DC and Catriona get comfortable, here is our hero taking everything in his stride, like a cat to water.
These two are the real bad boys of the piece - platelet exchanges. Hardcore uproar. We dont get to play on them.
In goes the needle, look away now.
(hasnt he got hairy arms - ed)
The nurse was a little concerned about Catherines superb fake tan. If you have ever wondered what fake tan crop circles look like, then check this out.
DC showing his battle scars
So there you have it. Where will it go? Who will it help? I can only speculate who my new blood brother or sister will be. They say you cant choose your family, and its true, i just hope it goes to a good home, after all, blood is thicker than water.

Thanks for that Paddy! all together now!!!!! CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!