Today was the day of reckoning, the day when we would be pitted against Sodexho and Bovis Land Lease via the medium of low grade go karts. First up was a trip to Varsity as Tracy was leaving. Catherine tried to defend her snub of Simon the night before.
Apparently she had left him on a table on his own in Varsity to go and drink with the Bovis crew, she claimed she didn't even see him. It must have been full of big rugby playing men with heavy stubble.
Paddy wasn't amused by the snub however.
Brian and Craig joined us for lunch, although Brian didn't eat anything after the Varsity duck wrap incident of 2006 which culminated in him celebrating Christmas with rolls of toilet paper and lots of regrets. The duck was laughing in its grave. Craig seems more interested in his phone than the banter.
Gary took it all in his stride though, he smoked his cigarette and ate a tuna baguette, which he claimed wasn't his at first, but quickly backtracked, it didn't worry him, he was a model of calm dignity.
I decided to duck round to Simon's girlfriend's house to get changed, and get a lift to the go kart track. Simon decided it would only take 20 minutes to get there so we could indulge ourselves with Neighbours. This is Carmella. I prefer Steph.
On the way, Lucy pointed out that Simon's liberal '20 minutes' guess was rubbish and that we were going to be late.
Simon dismissed it quickly and blamed it on the traffic lights 'They are all on red, we have just been unlucky"
I was more interested in the woman who was driving with crossed arms like some kind of maniac. If shes the opposition in Go-Karting I have no worries, has she never heard of quarter to three?
We managed to get there just in time despite some expert* navigation from me. Paddy and Alex greeted us with open arms. *disasterous
Catriona didn't look so pleased. I think she nearly hurt herself in a karting accident before so was probably worried about my welfare. She wasn't racing.
I was told I had to wear a hairnet. I explained I wasn't Ena Sharples, but she just said 'Health and Safety' That old chestnut.
Two guys showed us how to race round the track, apparently the answer is at breakneck speed with a corinthian distaste for survival instinct.
I think these two had the most nervous grins my non racing eyes have ever witnessed.
Alex wasn't nervous though, he had super confidence because his head is aerodynamic.He turned out to be very very good at go-karting.
Under starters orders.
GO! GO! GO!
I asked Catriona to take a picture of someone crossing the line, this is what she produced.
My turn came around and it turned out I was the most terrible racer anyone has ever seen. I was the sole cause of us being 6 laps behind second last, out of 14 teams. My team looked on in horror.
This Nazi told me that I needed to calm down after i rightly gesticulated after nearly having my head knocked off my shoulders by a reckless driver.
And here is this Nazi flagging someone for having fun/nearly causing serious accidents.
I would have liked to see him telling me to calm down if I was in this car, I would have just ran him over and then laughed at his misfortune.
As it happened, I was only allowed a go-kart like every other peasant and we came last. The other team from our office came second last. They were giving awards out. Everyone got excitable because they thought I would win an award for being the most terrible driver. I lost our team 16 laps through conservative driving, a survival instinct and a lack of fire in my belly. Here is Catherine waiting to rain mockery down on me as the announcer was going to give the wooden spoon out.
Ha Ha! Dont count your chickens blondie! Lisa won that award. She got pink furry dice for being terrible when she was actually fairly good, making up at least 3 laps that I cost the team.
I could tell in Patrick's eyes that he was disappointed in me.
I won some respect back though. When the winners came on the podium I blurted out loudly "I thought every team had to have a girl" without realising one member was actually a rather masculine featured girl. I felt terrible but everyone else thought it hilarious. I also found the reason i was terrible. I didnt actually know my way round the track.
On the way out Simon asked if I had fun. I commented that I would rather have a venereal disease for two hours than go there again. Lucy said that was a terrible thing to say but sometimes the truth hurts. Alex gave me a lift home and worryingly commented it was hard not to drive his car like a kart. I told him to try his best. I got home safe in the knowledge that I will never drive like a human.
You are used to me getting the 43. This time I got the 11. I enjoy variety in my bus rides. I had no time for the 266 or 267
Kim looked like a Russian spy in these big dark glasses, she was giving secret codes over the phone about 'project sputnik'
Not really. She was talking to her Mum. Spies dont blow dandelions, girls blow dandelions. She has a lot to learn if she wants to be a top class spy like me. She will probably end up with some run down private eye firm in Macclesfield. I don't want that for her.
When we got to the metrolink stop, we were told Ronaldo had been ordered to prove he is great. After all, Alexander did, and he was Greek.
We got to the ground and bought two tickets at face value from a tout. Success. He was a big man so I didn't blog it. Here is the East stand instead.
They tried to persuade me to play for Blackburn, but I had neither the will nor the ability. They opened the gate's but I had to politely refuse. I think they mistook me for someone who is moderate at football.
I was a little dejected about my decision not to play. I slipped through the net when they were scouting. They decided my stubble was too outrageous to make a career in the professional game.
I decided to comfort eat.
The coaches containing football players arrived.This man was the most bored man who ever existed in the world.
The Chelsea players must have thought everyone was there to watch them. They were there to see the most bored man who ever existed in the world instead. He looks dejected.
After we grew bored of the bored man we decided to go for a pint. One pub, the Trafford, was a delegated Chelsea pub, we went in. The man with the tattoo on the left of the picture asked why I wasn't wearing blue. The best i could come up with was 'I'm wearing green for celery' I am not ashamed to admit I nearly died with terrorfication.
There were a lot of Chelsea fans. I should have wore blue but it made me seem like a traitor to my club Bolton. Although I did want Chelsea to win, because I dislike Blackburn and United.
Everyone was joining in on the mob mentality and singing cockney knees up songs that I didn't understand. They seemed to be enjoying it. Jellied eel's all round.
Although this fan didnt quite understand. I hope thats not his real name, actually, I hope its not his nickname. I'm not sure what I hope. He was instantly rendered a cock by his shirt anyway.
The teams kicked off. This is Michael Ballack taking a free kick. He narrowly missed.
I really wanted to capture Fat Frank Lampard, He wrote a gospel as you will see in earlier blogs. He is looking positively svelte here.
It went to extra time. I was worried I'd be late for tea. Looks like the players were equally worried. Frank does love his pie & mash.
We were all saved though.
These guys were all worried penalties would mean that they would miss their tea. But everyone was home in time for pie & mash and Chelsea won. Everyone was happy, a happy ending, except for Blackburn fans, they were sorrowful. Oh well.
