Friday 30 November 2007

Guide to Cars.

This is a guide to my friend Ben's car. This is his gearstick. You can go from 1-5 or the mysterious R. This makes the car go backwards, or 'in reverse'.
This is my hand. It is on top of a handbrake. Isn't it pretty. If i wanted I could push my thumb on that little button. I have options with this handbrake.
This is a control panel. Just to think that Ben drinks the same water, breathes the same air as me...and yet he has such a knowledge of all these switches and dials. A knowledge for which I can only dream.
The wheel was invented tens of thousands of years ago. Who would have thought it would come to this.
Sometimes I use this handle to open the door and get out of the car.
Daisy Duke would use this window.
This is the windscreen. You can sometimes see BMW's out of here.
Not all the time though, sometimes you just see blonde air hostesses.
Tesco's provide bins solely for the disposal of gloves. Its thoughtful, but is it really productive.
This is the in car time naviation system. It tells you whereabouts you are in the day.
My wrist provides a similar feature. In that way it is a lot like a car.
Dangerous.
Not many people know that my favourite part of a car is the foot pedals.
And for the finale Ben decided to shapeshift...Ben.........................
BMW!!
Bye Bye for now

Monday 26 November 2007

Legion of Doom Uncovered

Before I went out I had to replace my shoes. I felt like Worzel Gummidge walking round in these atrocities.
First up was some quiz machine carnage in Wetherspoons.
We played the usual 100-1, but made a tidy sum this time. We put that money in a terrible game where we had to spin a wheel. Easy come, easy go.
I was in good company. Nathan was looking thoughtful, but even his knowledge base couldn't save us from losing our ill gotten gains.
Ross was technically barred from Wetherspoons after his exploits in a previous blog but had snuck under the bouncers radar.
Kev joined us. Legion of doom had big things planned for both of us.
We decided to move on. I needed cash and tried to get through these locked doors for about 2 minutes to get to a cashpoint behind the glass. Even the lockiest of locksmiths couldn't have got through.
We went to Consortium. They had what Ross described as 'Kids playground furniture'. It was more uncomfortable than it looks.
Ross seemed to enjoy them though. He must like kid's playgrounds.
Ross decided to give us football trivia questions. Me and Kev fared quite well on the whole.
Nathan didn't have an exhaustive football knowledge but knew enough to come out with some good answers.
He was obviously proud of the knowledge he demonstrated. We moved on to 'Disco Fever'
Cracks were already appearing in the love/hate relationship which is the legion of doom. I cant remember what Ross did to earn this look of disapproval...
...But I think it involved this slag.
I think it was something particularly terrible as Kev joined the bandwagon condemning him. To the stocks, send him to the stocks.
Nathan soon warmed, as most people do, to Ross. It was probably cheekiness rather than anything malicious. I think Nathans look is disbelief. 'What a clown'
Kev posed for a shot with her. When I say with her I mean behind her back. Interestingly Kev claims he ws sober at this point.
The on/off relationship is back on. Nathan looks giddy with excitement.
Ross didn't seem quite as ecstatic.
To be fair I think it had more to do with the music. Ross doen't understand why anyone from outside Harlem would like R'n'B/Hip hop.
Nathan was giving it the 'Moody, angsty rapper looking into middle distance' look. Its almost dangerous.
Kev was off balance.
They tried to give me dangerous but their smirks ruined it. Nathan is giving the most dangerous look here, coupled with finger expletive action.
Carnage
Banter.
Family fun.
No family fun at all here. Nathan gives me an 8/10 dangerous.
Kev decided to copy one of Nathan's specialities.....Camp....
TO DANGEROUS!!!
Im gonna be generous and give that 9/10. It cant top this though, this should be the cover art to Duran Duran's Wild Boys.
A measure of how classy 'Disco Fever' is.....A thong....on the floor.
The classiness was decreased further by the arrival of Michael Jackson.
I was so pleased that Michael Jackson was in the same club as me, I gave it a quick Emo shot.
Upon leaving we bumped into some other people from our course, including Monique and Jack. They were almost sober. Even in this state Monique doesn't break her stock photo pose.
All in all a good night out, sorry for the delay in posting, but I have to partake in carnage to blog it. Expect a couple more very soon.

Wednesday 7 November 2007

Ribs and Mojitos

My blog has become awfully Nuts magazine recently. So Ive decided to show my softer side. I went to see my girlfriend. We had planned a meal in Fridays. You can tell I'm very excited.
I got the train to her place. The train went through a town where metal railing always bends to the left. Its a magnetic enigma.
I got to Kim's house and threw my stuff down. I had forgotten that Kim has the smallest bed in the world and the most ridiculous slippers/snow boots.
Soon it was time for dinner. We set off. Kim was in good spirits because she likes TGI's. She wasn't posing at all here, no, not at all.
We ordered drinks and I managed to get the most perfectly poured pint any man ever did see. Apart from the spillage. Maybe I'll downgrade it to a mere excellent pint.
The menu was East meets West. I always think thats a bad idea...Cold war, Vietnam, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. I opted for two western dishes.
Kim's friend Susie and her friend Joe were in attendance. We sat boy boy and girl girl, just like primary school. This was girl banter.
I was horrified when I realised what they were talking about. How to smother a hamster. The perfect crime. They agreed on a perfect technique which Kim demonstrated.
The food was taking ages. People weren't happy. Especially these two hamster haters.
Hallelujah. Bits of chicken with a sauce to dip them into, like chicken chips.
Joe seemed happy with his starter of macoroni cheese in breadcrumbs.
Carnage.
I decided to hit the cocktails and had a Mojito. Kim hated it and said it was all ice and leaves. I quite liked it.
The cocktails were a good luck charm. My main came soon after they were ordered. I had ribs. I could picture the text now 'Hey Kim, fancy coming out for ribs and mojitos, will be a blast! xx' hmmm...maybe not.
After polishing that off, Susie and Joe ordered more cocktails. I hadn't checked the list so made an impulse decision and hoped it would turn out okay. Instead...this vision of camp minced its way over to my table.
Joe commented that the cocktails him and Susie ordered looked like concrete.
I was loving cocktail carnage.
Time to sort the bill out. This turned from basic mathematics to a 3 minute discussion, me and Joe weren't too fussed and just said we would pay whatever, but for the girls things had to be penny perfect.
Finally it was sorted. There's your filthy money, I want it to go to te west side of the kitchen seeing as I ate nothing Eastern.
After closer inspection Joe's drink did look like concrete. I thought it looked more like one of those soil samples you do in school where they can tell what happened hundreds of years ago.
Joe didn't want his drink anymore. He had already eaten his daily guideline amount of gravel so Kim jumped at the chance.
Susie liked her concrete drink, but forgave Joe for giving his away so easily.
All in all it was a good night. Fed and watered I returned home. There is no moral to this story.