I had a medical exam for my new job as a trainee air traffic controller. I passed all the little exams and interviews they gave me. This is because I'm both intelligent and personable. Maybe. Probably not. Definately not. I had to travel to Southampton. The train took me across Englands green and pleasant hills.
I felt like singing Jerusalem, but I didn't. Instead I read Private Eye magazine. Haha Tony Blair will fill his boots, its funny because he will cash in on the lucrative after dinner speech circuit in America, thats the joke.
After reading my magazine, I spotted this on the floor. Someone had a free ticket to an award ceremony. Why can't I have one? Was it a spy award ceremony? If so then I'm greatly annoyed my years of service have been overlooked.
I passed Royal Leamington Spa, the beautiful buildings were eclipsed by the scrawling of 'BJ' on a wall.
The journey went on, time passed, I grew older, my bones were weary, at Southampton Airport, I saw Father Christmas. He must have been flying to Lapland after an extended break on the English South coast. I couldn't help but think he looked slightly disillusioned with life out of his work clothes.
Lunch time, cheese and bacon baguette with a bottle of oasis. A meal fit for a king, or at least a traveler. Apparently my baguette is French. Did you know the French for bacon is bacon. This is so English hooligans don't get mixed up when they order their English breakfasts.
I finished my food and waited for my train. An interesting fact about me - I often heed security notices.
I got on the train to the place where my medical was to be conducted, Swanwick. Here is the face of a spy. Remember it well, if you want to foil my plans.
This was my view out of the window, it was set against a soundtrack of German Eurodance purveyors Cascada. The journey was emotional.
I am a landlubber and rarely see the sea. This is a river.
After the bleak but beautiful scenery it was time to get off. I checked my bag. This bag is the most maligned item in my existence. Kim hates it and has offered to buy me a new one. I turn her down. I like it.
Swanwick station.
I got to the medical facility and was quickly told to put my phone away by a burly security guard, here is a glimpse.
There were complications. Amongst the others my left ear stopped working. This is the offending article.
This was the cuisine on offer in Swanwick. (Not the bike, I don't eat bikes)
I wasn't impressed with my ear. It let me down, as did the burger van.
I indulged my hunger by buying Kim some Monster much as a present. They are her favourite.
I got the train to Reading where I spotted this chameleMAN. Trying to blend in to his surroundings in escalator coloured trousers. Cant spy a spyer.
I met Kim and we went to the pub.
You know you are in the South when you see this.
What is this. Blackadder!?
I needed to get going back to Manchester, my homeland, in the morning. Not before a dose of Shipwrecked. They lead the life of Riley. If Riley was a woman in a bikini.
On the train back I treated myself to a can of Blackthorn. I deserved it. This is NOT my urine sample. It is refreshing cider.
Will our protagonist pass the Gatwick medical? Will he buy a new bag? Will his left ear resume normal service. All will be told soon.
To prove television isn't the centre of my life I went on an adventure, it begins with me stepping outside my door, into a land of light and shade.
Dont step on the cracks! They will swallow you up! I played safe on the grid for the time being, there was more mild peril to come.
Tanni Grey Thompson lives here, not really of course. The only discernable disability the owner of this piece of tarmac seems to have is a lazy eye and moderate obesity.
Enough of that. I had a lot of cracks in front of me to avoid if I were to make the comparitive safety of a South London main road.
Adventures should involve you going somewhere you shouldn't. That girl should have never have stepped into the wardrobe, and I was finding my own Narnia past this no entry sign.
No Mr. Tumnus to greet me, just a lot of wheelie bins. You can never have enough wheelie bins. Unless you have 6, then you have too many.
This posed a serious question...
Not any more Im not. Quick quick! I have been stabbed by a lamp-post while distracted by those birds eye scallywags.
Not really folks, its my shadow thats been stabbed.
I didn't really want to have an adventure in either of these places. So I called up my girlfriend to see if she wanted an adventure.
She did, but only if it involved eating in Balham, so I agreed.
I could have knocked up some beans and toast for £2, but I suppose even adventures have been effected by the credit crunch.
"Get out of my face you expensive wench", I didn't say. If I was going to spend that much, I may as well get a dessert from a vending machine, that might brighten up my day!
Its a cruel, cruel world though, and it got stuck. No sir, this is not an action shot, its still life.
I couldn't even look her in the face, thats the last time I go on an adventure for a week.
