Today was the day of reckoning, the day when we would be pitted against Sodexho and Bovis Land Lease via the medium of low grade go karts. First up was a trip to Varsity as Tracy was leaving. Catherine tried to defend her snub of Simon the night before.
Apparently she had left him on a table on his own in Varsity to go and drink with the Bovis crew, she claimed she didn't even see him. It must have been full of big rugby playing men with heavy stubble.
Paddy wasn't amused by the snub however.
Brian and Craig joined us for lunch, although Brian didn't eat anything after the Varsity duck wrap incident of 2006 which culminated in him celebrating Christmas with rolls of toilet paper and lots of regrets. The duck was laughing in its grave. Craig seems more interested in his phone than the banter.
Gary took it all in his stride though, he smoked his cigarette and ate a tuna baguette, which he claimed wasn't his at first, but quickly backtracked, it didn't worry him, he was a model of calm dignity.
I decided to duck round to Simon's girlfriend's house to get changed, and get a lift to the go kart track. Simon decided it would only take 20 minutes to get there so we could indulge ourselves with Neighbours. This is Carmella. I prefer Steph.
On the way, Lucy pointed out that Simon's liberal '20 minutes' guess was rubbish and that we were going to be late.
Simon dismissed it quickly and blamed it on the traffic lights 'They are all on red, we have just been unlucky"
I was more interested in the woman who was driving with crossed arms like some kind of maniac. If shes the opposition in Go-Karting I have no worries, has she never heard of quarter to three?
We managed to get there just in time despite some expert* navigation from me. Paddy and Alex greeted us with open arms. *disasterous
Catriona didn't look so pleased. I think she nearly hurt herself in a karting accident before so was probably worried about my welfare. She wasn't racing.
I was told I had to wear a hairnet. I explained I wasn't Ena Sharples, but she just said 'Health and Safety' That old chestnut.
Two guys showed us how to race round the track, apparently the answer is at breakneck speed with a corinthian distaste for survival instinct.
I think these two had the most nervous grins my non racing eyes have ever witnessed.
Alex wasn't nervous though, he had super confidence because his head is aerodynamic.He turned out to be very very good at go-karting.
Under starters orders.
GO! GO! GO!
I asked Catriona to take a picture of someone crossing the line, this is what she produced.
My turn came around and it turned out I was the most terrible racer anyone has ever seen. I was the sole cause of us being 6 laps behind second last, out of 14 teams. My team looked on in horror.
This Nazi told me that I needed to calm down after i rightly gesticulated after nearly having my head knocked off my shoulders by a reckless driver.
And here is this Nazi flagging someone for having fun/nearly causing serious accidents.
I would have liked to see him telling me to calm down if I was in this car, I would have just ran him over and then laughed at his misfortune.
As it happened, I was only allowed a go-kart like every other peasant and we came last. The other team from our office came second last. They were giving awards out. Everyone got excitable because they thought I would win an award for being the most terrible driver. I lost our team 16 laps through conservative driving, a survival instinct and a lack of fire in my belly. Here is Catherine waiting to rain mockery down on me as the announcer was going to give the wooden spoon out.
Ha Ha! Dont count your chickens blondie! Lisa won that award. She got pink furry dice for being terrible when she was actually fairly good, making up at least 3 laps that I cost the team.
I could tell in Patrick's eyes that he was disappointed in me.
I won some respect back though. When the winners came on the podium I blurted out loudly "I thought every team had to have a girl" without realising one member was actually a rather masculine featured girl. I felt terrible but everyone else thought it hilarious. I also found the reason i was terrible. I didnt actually know my way round the track.
On the way out Simon asked if I had fun. I commented that I would rather have a venereal disease for two hours than go there again. Lucy said that was a terrible thing to say but sometimes the truth hurts. Alex gave me a lift home and worryingly commented it was hard not to drive his car like a kart. I told him to try his best. I got home safe in the knowledge that I will never drive like a human.
Apparently she had left him on a table on his own in Varsity to go and drink with the Bovis crew, she claimed she didn't even see him. It must have been full of big rugby playing men with heavy stubble.
Paddy wasn't amused by the snub however.
Brian and Craig joined us for lunch, although Brian didn't eat anything after the Varsity duck wrap incident of 2006 which culminated in him celebrating Christmas with rolls of toilet paper and lots of regrets. The duck was laughing in its grave. Craig seems more interested in his phone than the banter.
Gary took it all in his stride though, he smoked his cigarette and ate a tuna baguette, which he claimed wasn't his at first, but quickly backtracked, it didn't worry him, he was a model of calm dignity.
I decided to duck round to Simon's girlfriend's house to get changed, and get a lift to the go kart track. Simon decided it would only take 20 minutes to get there so we could indulge ourselves with Neighbours. This is Carmella. I prefer Steph.
On the way, Lucy pointed out that Simon's liberal '20 minutes' guess was rubbish and that we were going to be late.
Simon dismissed it quickly and blamed it on the traffic lights 'They are all on red, we have just been unlucky"
I was more interested in the woman who was driving with crossed arms like some kind of maniac. If shes the opposition in Go-Karting I have no worries, has she never heard of quarter to three?
We managed to get there just in time despite some expert* navigation from me. Paddy and Alex greeted us with open arms. *disasterous
Catriona didn't look so pleased. I think she nearly hurt herself in a karting accident before so was probably worried about my welfare. She wasn't racing.
I was told I had to wear a hairnet. I explained I wasn't Ena Sharples, but she just said 'Health and Safety' That old chestnut.
Two guys showed us how to race round the track, apparently the answer is at breakneck speed with a corinthian distaste for survival instinct.
I think these two had the most nervous grins my non racing eyes have ever witnessed.
Alex wasn't nervous though, he had super confidence because his head is aerodynamic.He turned out to be very very good at go-karting.
Under starters orders.
GO! GO! GO!
I asked Catriona to take a picture of someone crossing the line, this is what she produced.
My turn came around and it turned out I was the most terrible racer anyone has ever seen. I was the sole cause of us being 6 laps behind second last, out of 14 teams. My team looked on in horror.
This Nazi told me that I needed to calm down after i rightly gesticulated after nearly having my head knocked off my shoulders by a reckless driver.
And here is this Nazi flagging someone for having fun/nearly causing serious accidents.
I would have liked to see him telling me to calm down if I was in this car, I would have just ran him over and then laughed at his misfortune.
As it happened, I was only allowed a go-kart like every other peasant and we came last. The other team from our office came second last. They were giving awards out. Everyone got excitable because they thought I would win an award for being the most terrible driver. I lost our team 16 laps through conservative driving, a survival instinct and a lack of fire in my belly. Here is Catherine waiting to rain mockery down on me as the announcer was going to give the wooden spoon out.
Ha Ha! Dont count your chickens blondie! Lisa won that award. She got pink furry dice for being terrible when she was actually fairly good, making up at least 3 laps that I cost the team.
I could tell in Patrick's eyes that he was disappointed in me.
I won some respect back though. When the winners came on the podium I blurted out loudly "I thought every team had to have a girl" without realising one member was actually a rather masculine featured girl. I felt terrible but everyone else thought it hilarious. I also found the reason i was terrible. I didnt actually know my way round the track.
On the way out Simon asked if I had fun. I commented that I would rather have a venereal disease for two hours than go there again. Lucy said that was a terrible thing to say but sometimes the truth hurts. Alex gave me a lift home and worryingly commented it was hard not to drive his car like a kart. I told him to try his best. I got home safe in the knowledge that I will never drive like a human.
4 comments:
"despite some expert* navigation from me"
That comment reminded me of your expert* navigation to your missus place in Reading...
You can't blame the RAC this time dc!
Never mind baby David its the taking part that counts,unfortunately just by doing that you lost the PFI the title!
You'll always be a driving force in our team!
I directed us back from Reading perfectly, just getting there was the problem. I dont know how i feel about costing a multi million pound fund a £2.50 trophy, it hurts.
Good words.
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