Unless she wants a washing up basket lid, a singstar microphone, a belt or a linesman flag i think im gonna struggle here. I can hear her pottering around downstairs, im going to have to do some serious undercover work to get out of the house without detection.
I peer through my Russian spy net curtains and see the coast is clear outside, so as soon as im out of the back door Im free. I wonder if Steve McQueen had Russian spy net curtains.
I cleverly silhouette my face so she wont recognise me and make it out into the great beyond. As soon as Im out i realise, i was so consumed with escape, i didnt consider a plan, or where my first stop would be. Any true spy always heads west, away from the Russians and the Chinese, and my Mum.
Ahhh Wythenshawe, where the streets have no name, in the words of U2, only this street does have a name, and its Hungerford Lane, ominously enough. I negotiate my way through feeling like an extra in a Kasabian video, hoping to find my personal ambrosia on the other side of Hungerford Lane.
Heres a possible present venue. I picture my mums face as i give her an industry standard 16" hacksaw and decide that Selco's mothers day presents store just isnt going to cut the mustard this time round. I plod onwards.
The holy grail!! Tesco's sells everything from crayons to steaks, batteries to Aubergines. Im bound to find something here. An emporium of possibilities!!! I dont let my guard down though, If my Mum or one of her hired keep fit friends spots me here im done for, my mum and her keep fit friends have a network of telephone communication and word can travel so fast my career as a hotshot present buyer could be over before its begun.
I enter this valley of dreams trying to look inconspicuous, eyes noting down any suspect faces or possible gifts, i decide to go for the easy bit first, the card.
Wow! A changling card...its a hologram of a heart, small and then big!!!A snip at £1.69. I look around and take it! perfect, phase 1 of my search is complete, now for the present.
Paper shredders in the mothers day aisle, sometimes the truth is stranger than the fiction! this is worse than my Selcos builders warehouse idea.
Now this is what im talking about, a £5 gift that can easily be mistaken for a £10 one, i scan for the classiest looking label and plump for the blossom hill merlot, 10p cheaper than cabernet sauvignon, theres no flies on me!
I contemplate some complimetary cakes but my mum adores cheesecake and i think shes already got that in for tonight so i worry they will never be eaten and put them down in disgust.
Think of all the presents that these boxes contained, if only i had come here 20 minutes earlier i would have been in a shoppers paradise.
Outside Tescos with treats in my bag i scan cars for familiar faces but realise the keep fit posse would never be as stupid as to spy in matching cars.
Would they hide in bottle bins, yes the would. Although they probably would have cleaned them first, we are not in eastern europe.
A police van! that wasnt there before. Im glad i didnt buy the cream cakes or i would have been in for a world of interrogation, i speed past it just in case mum had recruited a search party for me after my hasty exit. I get home and deliver the presents to my grateful but unknowing mum. The bottle will probably be drank before 3pm and the card in the bin come tomorrow, but i know ive done my bit!
5 comments:
i cant believe your room is so messy!! clean up!
Shame on u leaving it till the actual morning to get a present, Did she enjoy the wine?
..I'm sure she did! Oh and yeh, Get some polish and a hoover round ur room, disgracefull haha! x
My room is a mess, its true, i cant hide my shame
"Would they hide in bottle bins, yes the would. Although they probably would have cleaned them first, we are not in eastern europe."
That bit made me laugh.
for a young lad that still lives with his Mum who still does his washing and iron, cooks his dinner and i suspect sends him off to work with a packed lunch you'd have thought he'd put more effort into mother's day. what is the world coming to. by the way he has his mittens on elastic still and we can't let him out of the office without making sure his shoe laces are done up and he's zipped up his jacket Bless
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